Doubters Welcome
Have you ever struggled with doubt? I know it’s not something we like to talk about. In fact in some circles of Christianity if you admit to having doubts it’s the equivalent of being a cannibal. I think there is this overly big fear of doubt. We think that if we doubt then we must not know God. But be honest with yourself, have you ever doubted? Doubted in God, His power, His love, or His forgiveness? Have you ever doubted that Jesus was real, or that he really accomplishes[d] on the cross what the Bible says he did/does? Well it usually takes one to break the awkward silence I can tell we are having, so here we go, I have too.
My Doubt
My doubts have mainly revolved around me (which may show some pride). I wrote a blog post in August about not being assured of my salvation (http://bit.ly/128gjLg), mainly because when I was baptized I didn’t really understand what I was doing, or the implications Christ’s death had for me. But recently my doubts have been different. It’s hard to explain but it’s more of a “How do you know you really have faith in what you say you do?” kind of doubt. I think I would call it more of an uncertainty in myself more than anything else. One night the thoughts were so bad that I just lay on the floor of my dorm room wondering if in fact I had lost my faith. I felt cold, empty. I called out to God because He is the only place I have known to turn to in times of need. But to be honest I didn’t have an emotional pick-me-up, an angel didn’t come through the clouds and say “be strong and courageous” nothing seemed to happen except I got a small thought: ‘In the midst of feeling as though I had lost my faith in God, it was God that I continued to turn to. I must have at least ‘faith the size of a mustard seed’ to run to the God whom I am questioning if I really believe in.” The fact that I was still inclined to turn to God even in the midst of my doubt proved to me that indeed I had not lost my faith.
I know this all sounds very bleak, but through these struggles over the past month I have learned so much about myself, and the faith I have. When faced with my doubt I was forced to examine: “You believe in God. Why?” And surprisingly enough the answer to me is a lot like math.
Faith is Like Math...In a Way
Going through grade school we are taught math. We believe math is true, and frankly we don’t really question it because it is the only thing we know, and the only thing we have been taught. We honestly don’t know why math is true and correct it just is to us. So how do we actually know that math is true? Because it has been tested and it works. The only reason it works is because it is true. Math has been put to the test, and come out with some amazing results, like putting a man on the moon (with science), proving itself to be real and true. But it isn't just true because it has been proven to work, it works because it is true.
Faith works in a similar way. I was raised in a Christian family, and therefore, I have been in church since I came out of the womb. Because of this I have been taught that God is real, He loves me, and that He sent His son Jesus to die for me. Therefore I believed it. It is all that I have been taught and know so like math I take it as true because it’s all I have been taught. But that isn’t good enough for me. For me I do not just want to absorb a hand-me-down-faith from my parents, and my parents’ parents. I don’t want to just take my faith as true because it’s what I’ve been taught. See for me if my faith is put to the test and it doesn't work, then it cant be true. Because faith has to be true first and foremost before it can work, nothing can work if it isn't true. For me, like a mathematician to math, I need to know why I believe what I do, and if what I believe is true. So like a scientist looks at a set of scientific beliefs and then tests them out to see if they are in fact true, I looked at my faith. I looked at my faith and reviewed what it is I believe to be true and then I looked to see if it really is.
The first place I started is one of the first things I was taught, and is the source for the rest of my faith. I believe God is real; I have been taught that God is real since I was a child so in that since it is true to me. But like I said before, being taught something doesn’t make it true. Francis Schaeffer said “He is there and He is not silent”. So if God is real, then I should be able to notice Him, or notice the ways in which He reveals Himself. But where do I look to see if God has proven Himself to be true?
He is There, Just Look
Psalm 77:11-12 says “I will call to mind the deeds of the Lord; I will remember your wonders of old. I will meditate on all your work and muse your mighty deeds.” So I look at my life for instances where I have seen God work, move, and reveal Himself. I look existentially to see if my experiences back up my belief and prove it to be true. And based on my experiences I can say yes God is real. Looking back at my life I have seen God change me from an apathetic, Sundays and Wednesdays “Christian”, to a fully committed follower of Jesus. I have experienced (not just feelings) God in worship in Joplin, MZ and other places. I have seen numerous lives changed in a way that only God can. I have seen God change my grandfather’s heart from overly stern, to one of the most Christ-like people I know. I have seen God in the moment answer my plead of needing to talk about where to go to college by using my Grand Patti. I have seen God speak through me to a teary-eyed girl in a hotel room in Cleveland, Tennessee who felt like God didn’t love her, when I had no idea what to say. I have seen hope, the kind that doesn’t come from this world but from Christ, in a pit of hell in Tegucigalpa, Honduras. I have seen God work and move and to deny that would be to deny something invariably true.
Faith: Tested & Proven Because it is True
Math is true because it has been tested and proven to be true, and the reason it worked is because it was true in the first place. Likewise I hold to my faith, even in the midst of doubt, because in looking back on my life (“testing") I see God, in other words my faith works, and the only way it could work is if it is true in the first place. Lee Anderson said something that explains this whole "testing to be true thing" a lot better that I can. He says, "Christianity isn't true because it works, it works because its true". See the difference? My God is not real because those things happened. Those things happened because my God is real. So since God is real, it means His Word (the Bible) is true. And sense the Bible is true then it means that a Jewish man named Jesus was not just a carpenter but the Son of God. And being the Son of God His perfect life, death, and resurrection saved me, giving me a new identity as a child of God, spotless, blameless, and perfect in His eyes.
God Welcomes the Doubters
I think there is this overly big fear of doubt. We think that if we doubt then we must not know God. On the contrary, it is my experience that doubt thrusts us into God’s presence. It is my belief that God welcomes doubters to sit closest to Him at His dinner table, because they are the ones willing to listen and learn from Him. When you realize that you don’t have it all figured out and you are uncertain or something then you are in the position for God to reveal Himself to you, to learn more about God, to grow closer with Him. If we pretend we know everything about God, or that we are in anyway certain, then there is no room to learn, grow, or know God in a more intimate, deep, or personal way. I'm not saying we try to come up with new doubts, I think we all have enough already. What I mean is that when faced with doubt don’t run, or feel guilty, but face your doubt, tell your doubts to God, and He will comfort, and answer you. It may be longer than we’d like. But if we lay our doubts at the feet of God He will take care of them, for He is already bearing them on the cross. C.S Lewis said that “Faith is the art of holding on to what your reason once accepted ; in spite of your changing moods”. So hold on to whatever faith you can muster. Because waning faith, as brittle as it may seem, is still faith all the same.
-Zach Hollifield